It's getting better....

I am starting to see the light at the end of a very dark tunnel. I have felt like ever since we moved to Pleasanton my life has been up and down continually. We have a few good weeks and then we have a few stressful months then we get back on track and start all over again. I have had a lot of time to think and to ponder the past couple of weeks. I have been trying to figure out how to get more sleep, how to accomplish more in a day, how to smile and be sincere, how to love and be real. It's been hard to face the reality that I still am fighting the same battles I have fought for most of my life. I feel this inner strength and yearning to be something greater. I feel this strong pull inside to stretch and reach further than I have gone before. I get bombarded with life and I feel like I can't breath and make sense of anything. I feel like I have no feeling to love, no strength to give and listen. I feel lost and alone. I feel like some days I am top of the world and other times I feel like I want to crawl in a hole and die. It's so bizarre to me this inner struggle. I yearn to be free. I realize that I spend so much of my time and energy worried about what others think of me. I think that they judge me because I have so many kids. I feel so much pressure to keep a clean house and everything perfectly kept in order. I feel like I have to prove that I am smart because I didn't go to college. I feel like I need to be skinny and beautiful. I am consumed with keeping up with the world. I want to be apart of the world but I also yearn to be more spiritual. Do you see what I am talking about? It's crazy! I am starting to panic because my oldest son is 13 and will only be with us in this house for a short time. Time has been my enemy from the start. I am going to figure this out and not look back with regret. It starts with me. Who am I? What did I come here to become? What Legacy will I leave? I have learned time and again that when I feed my soul spiritually, emotionally and physically I am most happy. I have to start this journey with myself. I need to feed the part of my soul that yearns for freedom from worldly care. I know who I am. I am a daughter of God and I am divine. I have so many gifts and talents that I need to grow. I have compassion and love for others. I am also selfish sometimes and I think, "what is in it for me?" I must change the course I continue to take and leave past habits that stop me from being my "real" inner self. I have this incredible soul. She yearns for me to find her. She yearns for me to give up what I have learned about being human. She wants me to focus on what it means to be spiritual. She wants me to see what I was before I put on this mortal clay. She was someone that walked with God and knew him personally. She was valiant and faithful. She was given assignments and faithfully performed them. She never questioned God in what he wanted her to do. Her spirit aches. I must put off the natural man. I must see that I have a great work to do here. I must feed my spirit and fight the destroying angels who want to put a stop to me and what I am here to do. My Legacy will be one that shows that I fought a great battle that raged within my own soul. I purified and purged the mortal body and the weakness of man. I am strong and I am courageous. I will remain faithful to the end. It's starts today and it starts now. I will stand as a witness at all times and in all places! God is real and He will help sustain me through the spirit He will help fight my battles. Love life! See the good in the World! Don't worry about what others think. You need to stop comparing yourself to others and focus on what you can do to be happy, healthy and steady. You have so much love and energy. You can use these gifts to serve your family and others. I know you can do it. You are supported by Angels who love you and want you to succeed. I will figure this out. 1. Feed your spirit 2. Stop comparing 3. Love unconditionally yourself and others 4. Have fun!!!