A few more bumps in the road.....

Here I am writing again about not getting enough sleep! This is seriously starting to kill me. I am completely optimistic about my day and then I have a night were I get very little sleep. I have figured out now that it's not the waking up so many times that is hard it's the falling back to sleep that is brutal. I know that "this too shall pass" but I feel like I am being defeated by it. I wake up and then about 30 minutes later I am ready to go back to bed instead of tackle the day. I am going to keep trying and figure out how to beat this. This is just a bump in the road that I need to slow down and get over. I keep thinking back to the time when I had to climb a really steep hill and mid way through I wanted to quit. I kept telling myself that I couldn't do it. It was just too hard. No matter how I looked at it, I couldn't quit. I either had to finish the hill in front of me or climb another hill to get back home. So I put one foot in front of the other and slowly I made it up to the top of the hill. I felt so good when I made it. I thought to myself "I can do hard things!" I need to remember this right now. I can take care of 7 children. It is really hard. It is the hardest thing I have done so far in my life. I am responsible for the care of 7 lives! On top of this I am Young Women's President. I am having a really hard time right now. I feel like I am dropping the ball on so many important things right now. I hope that I can look back on this time in my life and laugh because it is sure not funny in the moment. Well here it is 10:35 and I must head to bed and see if I can get some sleep.

It was that kind of a day!

I found a quote this week that said, It's never to too late in the day to start your day over. This is how my day went. I woke up tired just like I have the past few weeks. My body has had a hard time trying to function at full speed. Today was a breaking point for me. I have felt so physically and emotionally drained. I felt like I was losing my mind. I haven't felt like this for a long time. When I am sleep deprived I start to get really depressed. I don't like the thoughts that come into my mind. So this week I have fought such a huge battle to stay sane and free from the Adversary. He had a few blows but I came off conquer! I started the week off reading other peoples blogs and looking at Facebook and not wanting to deal with reality. A.K.A. motherhood. I wanted to shirk my responsibilities this week because I have been so tired. So and old pattern for myself is to feel sorry for myself and focus on other peoples strengths and my weaknesses. So I decided today that I was not going to sit and envy other peoples blogs and sit and think about how I wish life were easier. I decided to listen to Conference talks and Mormon Messages. I finally snapped out of it. I decided I would make cookies. I made peanut butter chocolate chip cookies and asked the kids to help me quickly clean up the downstairs while I made them. We worked together and after a quick run to the Chiropractor I was back and we were eating cookies and smiling. I then let them play the Wii while I ran upstairs and quickly cleaned it up. I even made my bed and put on a little makeup. So I win! Depression you will not have me. Too many days and weeks feeling like a worthless piece of crap! All because my body was tired. I will not go there anymore. I will not look behind. I ache for that girl sometimes. I think of my twenties and sometimes wish I could go back and change things that I have done. I know that I am a stronger better person for the experiences that I have had. I wouldn't change the outcome. I am grateful that I have learned to change the pattern. I was able to admit to Chris this week how I was feeling. I was ashamed at my behavior and a little disappointed that I could not pull myself out of the funk earlier. It is what it is. I will continue to fight the demons that so desperately want to destroy me. I know that I have a great work to do. I know that the Lord expects a lot from me. I only hope that I can find a balance of happiness that when I feel good I am happy and when I feel tired I am happy. I will continue to work on this. As for now I will continue to fight, grow and learn. It's never a wasted day if you learn something.....

It's not about me!

So I had my 7th child in March. I am crazy about this new little addition to our family. She is so darn cute. The only problem I have is that I have not gotten a good night sleep for over 5 months now. She is up still 2 or 3 times in the night. Last night she was up almost every hour. Abby doesn't just cry herself back to sleep. She just starts screaming at the top of her lungs as if she were starving or about to die. I have been so tired and I am starting to forget to do simple things that I need to get done. I am trying my hardest to not make this difficult on the rest of the family. I have tried to be very patient when all I want to do is scream. A couple nights ago in the middle of the night I had the thought come into my mind "it's not about you!" This phrase caught me off guard but made think differently about the situation. I have always wanted to be a mom. I knew what I was getting into. I knew there would be nights when I wouldn't get a good nights sleep. I knew there would be days when I didn't get anything done that I wanted to. Somewhere along the way with all my other obligations I forgot this. I was able to hold Abby and look down at her and realize she is relying on me to take care of her every need. So I have been trying to make the most out of my days right now. I have gone back to planning and preparing delicious healthy meals for the kids I (even though I have no energy)and I have been trying to keep the house clean and not yell when I don't see the kids helping out. I want to give all of my kids a good life. I don't want them to remember a grumpy tired mom. So I know that this too shall pass. I will not always have a baby keeping me up all night. I just need to get some sleep when I can and not try to fill my days up with a lengthy to do list. I hope that I can remember "it's not about me" right now and it never will be. It's about the lives I touch. The love I give and the patience I learn to have for myself and those around me.

Here I go again.....

Here I go again in trying to start up this blog. I need a place to go and sort my thoughts and inner desires. I have so many wonderful insights that come to me through Priesthood blessings, personal revelation, friends and family. I want a place where I can record the events and moments that help me grow and stretch. I love life and I have had so many wonderful experiences and yet I continue to struggle with feelings of self doubt, loneliness and pain. How is it that I am surrounded by 7 children and a wonderful husband and still feel lonely? This is a good question. I want to figure this out. Why do I continue to isolate myself from people? Why do I feel that it is weakness to express what I really feel? This is going to be a journey of self discovery. I want to know what makes me really happy. I want to know what I am supposed to learn on this journey called life. Who am I and what has the Lord sent me down here to accomplish for him? These are questions I think we all seek to know and understand. I want to figure out why there are days when I feel like I can conquer the world and others where I feel like I am on the verge of losing my mind. I know that we are here to overcome our weaknesses. I also know that we have been given gifts to help us on our journey. I want to discover what those gifts are. This journal will be random for sure. I am excited to see where it takes me......