Angels Among Us

I wrote this on Facebook yesterday and I want to remember it, A few days ago I found a little bird that had fallen out of it's nest. I tried to help it but it was so afraid of me that it went under a fence and I wasn't able to rescue it. I could tell that it had hurt it's wing. It was frightened because it was no longer in the safety of it's nest. I could hear the panic of the mother bird. My heart ached for this little bird. I don't know why it touched me so much. Now as I pass by it's empty nest I can't help but wonder what happened to the little bird. I think of all of us and how many of us are frightened to ask for help when we need it the most. I am just as guilty as that little bird. I am afraid that asking for help is a sign of weakness. I isolate myself because I think no one will understand my pain. I am grateful to continue to learn these lessons in life. Thank you to all my friends and family that support and lift me up when I need it. I love life and it can only get better! So yesterday I was starting to feel overwhelmed with all that was going on. After the last post I wrote we ended up dealing with 3 girls with lice. It has always been my fear that someday I would have to deal with lice. For some reason it just grosses the heck out me to think about the little bugs. So after a long weekend of washing hair, combing through hair, cleaning and disinfecting everything in the house I felt like I had did a good job of ridding our house of the tiny creatures. It turns out I was wrong. Taylor and CJ were next to fall prey. Luckily I caught it before they colonized in their hair. Last night I ended up spending three hours combing hair, washing linens and dreaming about lice. It's been so hard to deal with one thing after another. I start to feel like I have a handle on things and then I hit another fork in the road. I keep trying to tell myself that it's not as bad as it seems and that I am not Job! Ha! It really has not been as bad as I make it out. It just feels like it. I am running on very little sleep each night and it's starting to take a toll on my mental attitude. I am going to get through this though, I will conquer. I love Abigail to death and wouldn't trade her for the world. She is such a sweet baby. I am so in love with her. She melts my heart when she looks up at me. I know she won't be a baby for very long so I am trying to make the most out of this time. I have seen tender mercies this week and answers to my prayers. The Relief Society President came over yesterday and watched the kids while I cleaned the house and got everything caught up. She was an Angel in disguise and I am so thankful that she listened to the prompting of the spirit. Today I was so tired that I couldn't function very well. I was supposed to watch my friends child while she helped in the classroom and then afterward we were going to have lunch. I had to tell her that I could watch her little girl but that I would not be able to have lunch with her. She ended up bringing me sushi and watching the kids while I laid down for awhile. It was just what I needed today. I am so grateful that I saw that little bird in the road. It helped me realized that I have not allowed anyone here in Pleasanton to help me. I don't want to look like I can't handle having 7 kids. So again Pride comes into play. I have not wanted to start over here and let people into my world. It is so hard for me to make friends and keep them. It's hard for me to trust people with my heart. It's hard for me to ask for help. We need to allow others to come in when we are weak and wounded. I am so thankful to a loving Heavenly Father that continues to show me love despite my disobedience. He loves all of his children and he wants us to find "joy in this journey". I am on my way. I am beginning to realize that I have highs and lows and that's ok. I just need to not allow my children to see two different moms when I feel this way. Here again, another good lesson. Lesson#6, Allow others to help me.

Then sings my Soul!

I am learning so much about myself as I become more aware of my thoughts and actions. I am starting to realize with all the pressures I put on myself to be perfect, I have very little patience with those around me. I get so focused on the next task I need to accomplish that I don't focus on what it is that is presently before me. I want my house to be so clean that we don't actually live in it. I want my children to do as I say at all times and I have very little patience when they don't. I have become a martyr when I don't like the results or reactions of others. Yesterday was a good example of this. I woke up and made homemade muffins that I thought were really good. The kids weren't so happy with them and the first thought that came into my mind was, "well you can just have cereal the rest of your life. I don't need to do all of this extra work!" Silly right? Luckily I didn't say this out loud. I went up stairs and the thought came into my mind, "Really? does it matter if the kids liked them or not?" No, it does not matter if the kids liked them or not. The importance of the lesson learned is that you will not always have everyone happy with what you do. Does this mean that you have a negative attitude and tell everyone to go to hell? You keep going. You persevere and you learn to unconditionally love the people around you. I have learned all of my life how to love conditionally. This is something that I must overcome. Will I love my children no matter what path they take in life? Will I be prepared to face circumstances where I disagree with others but do not judge them for their actions? Life is all about learning, growing and overcoming. We must strive to become the best that we can. We only have one shot at this life. I am so grateful that I have the ability to grow and learn and conquer! I will overcome this weakness before it is too late! My personal mission statement and legacy that I want to leave to my posterity is, "may her love for others be remembered" This can be accomplished. I have so much beauty that surrounds me. I have 7 beautiful children that our stretching me further than I ever thought I could go. This is why my soul sings! Life is so good.

It's getting better....

I am starting to see the light at the end of a very dark tunnel. I have felt like ever since we moved to Pleasanton my life has been up and down continually. We have a few good weeks and then we have a few stressful months then we get back on track and start all over again. I have had a lot of time to think and to ponder the past couple of weeks. I have been trying to figure out how to get more sleep, how to accomplish more in a day, how to smile and be sincere, how to love and be real. It's been hard to face the reality that I still am fighting the same battles I have fought for most of my life. I feel this inner strength and yearning to be something greater. I feel this strong pull inside to stretch and reach further than I have gone before. I get bombarded with life and I feel like I can't breath and make sense of anything. I feel like I have no feeling to love, no strength to give and listen. I feel lost and alone. I feel like some days I am top of the world and other times I feel like I want to crawl in a hole and die. It's so bizarre to me this inner struggle. I yearn to be free. I realize that I spend so much of my time and energy worried about what others think of me. I think that they judge me because I have so many kids. I feel so much pressure to keep a clean house and everything perfectly kept in order. I feel like I have to prove that I am smart because I didn't go to college. I feel like I need to be skinny and beautiful. I am consumed with keeping up with the world. I want to be apart of the world but I also yearn to be more spiritual. Do you see what I am talking about? It's crazy! I am starting to panic because my oldest son is 13 and will only be with us in this house for a short time. Time has been my enemy from the start. I am going to figure this out and not look back with regret. It starts with me. Who am I? What did I come here to become? What Legacy will I leave? I have learned time and again that when I feed my soul spiritually, emotionally and physically I am most happy. I have to start this journey with myself. I need to feed the part of my soul that yearns for freedom from worldly care. I know who I am. I am a daughter of God and I am divine. I have so many gifts and talents that I need to grow. I have compassion and love for others. I am also selfish sometimes and I think, "what is in it for me?" I must change the course I continue to take and leave past habits that stop me from being my "real" inner self. I have this incredible soul. She yearns for me to find her. She yearns for me to give up what I have learned about being human. She wants me to focus on what it means to be spiritual. She wants me to see what I was before I put on this mortal clay. She was someone that walked with God and knew him personally. She was valiant and faithful. She was given assignments and faithfully performed them. She never questioned God in what he wanted her to do. Her spirit aches. I must put off the natural man. I must see that I have a great work to do here. I must feed my spirit and fight the destroying angels who want to put a stop to me and what I am here to do. My Legacy will be one that shows that I fought a great battle that raged within my own soul. I purified and purged the mortal body and the weakness of man. I am strong and I am courageous. I will remain faithful to the end. It's starts today and it starts now. I will stand as a witness at all times and in all places! God is real and He will help sustain me through the spirit He will help fight my battles. Love life! See the good in the World! Don't worry about what others think. You need to stop comparing yourself to others and focus on what you can do to be happy, healthy and steady. You have so much love and energy. You can use these gifts to serve your family and others. I know you can do it. You are supported by Angels who love you and want you to succeed. I will figure this out. 1. Feed your spirit 2. Stop comparing 3. Love unconditionally yourself and others 4. Have fun!!!

A few more bumps in the road.....

Here I am writing again about not getting enough sleep! This is seriously starting to kill me. I am completely optimistic about my day and then I have a night were I get very little sleep. I have figured out now that it's not the waking up so many times that is hard it's the falling back to sleep that is brutal. I know that "this too shall pass" but I feel like I am being defeated by it. I wake up and then about 30 minutes later I am ready to go back to bed instead of tackle the day. I am going to keep trying and figure out how to beat this. This is just a bump in the road that I need to slow down and get over. I keep thinking back to the time when I had to climb a really steep hill and mid way through I wanted to quit. I kept telling myself that I couldn't do it. It was just too hard. No matter how I looked at it, I couldn't quit. I either had to finish the hill in front of me or climb another hill to get back home. So I put one foot in front of the other and slowly I made it up to the top of the hill. I felt so good when I made it. I thought to myself "I can do hard things!" I need to remember this right now. I can take care of 7 children. It is really hard. It is the hardest thing I have done so far in my life. I am responsible for the care of 7 lives! On top of this I am Young Women's President. I am having a really hard time right now. I feel like I am dropping the ball on so many important things right now. I hope that I can look back on this time in my life and laugh because it is sure not funny in the moment. Well here it is 10:35 and I must head to bed and see if I can get some sleep.

It was that kind of a day!

I found a quote this week that said, It's never to too late in the day to start your day over. This is how my day went. I woke up tired just like I have the past few weeks. My body has had a hard time trying to function at full speed. Today was a breaking point for me. I have felt so physically and emotionally drained. I felt like I was losing my mind. I haven't felt like this for a long time. When I am sleep deprived I start to get really depressed. I don't like the thoughts that come into my mind. So this week I have fought such a huge battle to stay sane and free from the Adversary. He had a few blows but I came off conquer! I started the week off reading other peoples blogs and looking at Facebook and not wanting to deal with reality. A.K.A. motherhood. I wanted to shirk my responsibilities this week because I have been so tired. So and old pattern for myself is to feel sorry for myself and focus on other peoples strengths and my weaknesses. So I decided today that I was not going to sit and envy other peoples blogs and sit and think about how I wish life were easier. I decided to listen to Conference talks and Mormon Messages. I finally snapped out of it. I decided I would make cookies. I made peanut butter chocolate chip cookies and asked the kids to help me quickly clean up the downstairs while I made them. We worked together and after a quick run to the Chiropractor I was back and we were eating cookies and smiling. I then let them play the Wii while I ran upstairs and quickly cleaned it up. I even made my bed and put on a little makeup. So I win! Depression you will not have me. Too many days and weeks feeling like a worthless piece of crap! All because my body was tired. I will not go there anymore. I will not look behind. I ache for that girl sometimes. I think of my twenties and sometimes wish I could go back and change things that I have done. I know that I am a stronger better person for the experiences that I have had. I wouldn't change the outcome. I am grateful that I have learned to change the pattern. I was able to admit to Chris this week how I was feeling. I was ashamed at my behavior and a little disappointed that I could not pull myself out of the funk earlier. It is what it is. I will continue to fight the demons that so desperately want to destroy me. I know that I have a great work to do. I know that the Lord expects a lot from me. I only hope that I can find a balance of happiness that when I feel good I am happy and when I feel tired I am happy. I will continue to work on this. As for now I will continue to fight, grow and learn. It's never a wasted day if you learn something.....

It's not about me!

So I had my 7th child in March. I am crazy about this new little addition to our family. She is so darn cute. The only problem I have is that I have not gotten a good night sleep for over 5 months now. She is up still 2 or 3 times in the night. Last night she was up almost every hour. Abby doesn't just cry herself back to sleep. She just starts screaming at the top of her lungs as if she were starving or about to die. I have been so tired and I am starting to forget to do simple things that I need to get done. I am trying my hardest to not make this difficult on the rest of the family. I have tried to be very patient when all I want to do is scream. A couple nights ago in the middle of the night I had the thought come into my mind "it's not about you!" This phrase caught me off guard but made think differently about the situation. I have always wanted to be a mom. I knew what I was getting into. I knew there would be nights when I wouldn't get a good nights sleep. I knew there would be days when I didn't get anything done that I wanted to. Somewhere along the way with all my other obligations I forgot this. I was able to hold Abby and look down at her and realize she is relying on me to take care of her every need. So I have been trying to make the most out of my days right now. I have gone back to planning and preparing delicious healthy meals for the kids I (even though I have no energy)and I have been trying to keep the house clean and not yell when I don't see the kids helping out. I want to give all of my kids a good life. I don't want them to remember a grumpy tired mom. So I know that this too shall pass. I will not always have a baby keeping me up all night. I just need to get some sleep when I can and not try to fill my days up with a lengthy to do list. I hope that I can remember "it's not about me" right now and it never will be. It's about the lives I touch. The love I give and the patience I learn to have for myself and those around me.

Here I go again.....

Here I go again in trying to start up this blog. I need a place to go and sort my thoughts and inner desires. I have so many wonderful insights that come to me through Priesthood blessings, personal revelation, friends and family. I want a place where I can record the events and moments that help me grow and stretch. I love life and I have had so many wonderful experiences and yet I continue to struggle with feelings of self doubt, loneliness and pain. How is it that I am surrounded by 7 children and a wonderful husband and still feel lonely? This is a good question. I want to figure this out. Why do I continue to isolate myself from people? Why do I feel that it is weakness to express what I really feel? This is going to be a journey of self discovery. I want to know what makes me really happy. I want to know what I am supposed to learn on this journey called life. Who am I and what has the Lord sent me down here to accomplish for him? These are questions I think we all seek to know and understand. I want to figure out why there are days when I feel like I can conquer the world and others where I feel like I am on the verge of losing my mind. I know that we are here to overcome our weaknesses. I also know that we have been given gifts to help us on our journey. I want to discover what those gifts are. This journal will be random for sure. I am excited to see where it takes me......